I waited in the hallway while Jasminia searched through her closet looking for my beige work slacks.  I had left them at her apartment months ago when we first started hanging out because I seemed to be crashing there often and wanted to make sure I had clothes to wear to work if I ever slept over unexpectedly.

                “Ugg…what the hell?  They have to be in here somewhere,” she muttered.

                I was starting to get hot.  I hadn’t taken off my coat since I walked through her door ten minutes ago assuming this would be a quick transaction.  I hadn’t planned on staying, half because I assumed her boyfriend, Bruce, would be here and half because I was still upset with her for standing me up last week.

                She had apologized and though I said it was fine, that didn’t change the fact that my feelings regarding our friendship had shifted.  I no longer wanted to put my all into this relationship. 

                “What are you doing after?”  Jas asked, continuing to look through her closet.

                I shrugged my shoulders.  “Nothing.  Going home.”

                “Why don’t you stay and chill?”

                “Bruce isn’t here?”

                “Nope.”

                “Oh.”  With my only excuse not to stay thrown out the window, I played with the thought in my head.  I really didn’t have anything else planned for the day and I was at her house much earlier than I had originally planned on stopping by.

                “I mean…if you want to.”

                “Okay, sure.  I have DVD’s in my bag.”

                “Oh yeah?  I have Netflix.”

                “That’s where I got the DVD’s from.”

                “You hungry?”

                “Yeah.”  I had only had popcorn and water all day.

                Jasminia walked pass me into the kitchen and grabbed the stack of menus she had collected and placed them on the table.  “Pick something out.”

                “What are you in the mood for?”

                “For some reason, I really want a bagel with cream cheese.”  It was five o’clock in the evening.

                I laughed.  “Are you pregnant?”

                “Probably!” she said jokingly and walked back into her bedroom and the search for my slacks commenced.

                 “You know,” I said after five minutes, “It really isn’t that big of a deal.  Let’s just get the food.”

                “They have to be in this apartment somewhere,” Jas said, walking back into the living room where I stood with the Chinese menu in my hand. 

                “You’ll find them when you’re not looking for them.”

                “I guess.  You know what you want?”

                I nodded.  “Broccoli and chicken in garlic sauce.”  Jas grabbed her coat.  “What?  They don’t deliver?”

                “It’s right downstairs.”

                I pouted, looking down at my cold weather get-up that I had just peeled off.

                “Don’t worry about it,” she insisted, “I’ll go get the food.  Sit.  Relax.”

                I felt bad, if only because she had broken her arm two months prior and was still in therapy but the ease in which she put her coat on put my guilt to rest quickly and I agreed to stay in the apartment.  She had started to walk out.

                “Jas, wait.  I have ten bucks.”

                She waved me off.  “Don’t worry about it, I got it,” she said before walking out the door.

                I got the feeling that she was still trying to apologize for last week but maybe not.  I paid for her food all the time.  Just the way we were with each other.

                It didn’t take long before Jas was walking back through her front door with the warm Chinese food filling the apartment with its aroma. 

                “Did you get your bagel?”

                She laughed before sitting down and shuffling through the bag.  “No.  I got miso soup though.”  Jas stood back up.  “Do you need a plate?”

                “No, I’m fine.”

                She came back with one plate and poured me a glass of water before scooping food out of the Styrofoam container and onto the plate for herself.

                “I want to show you something.”

Read More

I made this video and it’s posted on my other tumblr and FB and youtube channel…please watch and help me with the views and likes, etc.  I would really appreciate it.

lesbiandventures:

Everyone Please…please…please go and at least click on the video just so I can get the views…even better, watch the damn thing, hit the like button, subscribe, leave a comment etc. etc. It would make me happy!  

(Source: callmecasanova)

Working Out with Dubstep

Me Reading at The Nuyorican Poet’s Cafe in Alphabet City

Poem: Rain on the Tin Roof

New Born, 1yo, 2-3yo, 7yo, 9yo, 16yo, 17yo, 21yo, 22yo, 23yo

New Tat.  Means: the irresistible urge to write.

I want to lay with you as the rain from many thunderstorms hits the tin roof.
Graph my hand down the coordinates of your anatomy and
Transition to be your symmetry
Off the coast of somewhere beautiful,
As the waves crash into our digits
The sound of your breathing and crickets,
Wash over me.
There aren’t enough minutes in this world,
To spend my time buried in your curls.
I thirst to stare at the stars
Wishing upon fallen quasars,
That you’ll lie beside me forever plus a day,
I need never at bay nor want anything more than,
To kiss you gingerly on your eyelids and
Lace my extremities with yours in the streets of Chueca, Madrid.
You are my pleasant disposition
Yearning to always rub against you like friction
I use to believe adulation like this was only true in fictions
You’ve broaden my vocabulary, improved my diction in the languages of affection
I love the form my mouth takes just to say your name…

I drown in you like oceans,
Every last one of your intricate emotions…I’ve memorized.
I want to catch and capture you like fireflies.
Never to be aloof.
Because you are the rain on my tin roof.

This is just to say…

I have memorized your dreams
The color of your hair
the sound of your voice

This is just to say…

I have followed the maze to you,
been lost in the gaze of you,
have stumbled in the haze of you.

This is just to say…
I would travel the world to please,
touch your stomach to tease,
brush your head to ease.

And this is just to say, you have the most beautiful smiled I’ve ever seen.

Pressed against paint covered drywall, I watched you unbutton my armor but knew you weren’t strong enough to break my guard down.
Shivered when you pressed warm palms against cold heart and journeyed complicated contours; lost and never found.
I warned you you’d lose your way, but instead you continued as if you didn’t care where you ended as long as you were stranded along my beaten trail.
You inhale,
stealing my air to sustain your living because when you asked if I could ever love you, I told you: “Never hold your breath.”
Wanted to push you away, but couldn’t find enough selflessness to stop being so selfish.
I let you drink until you were drunk and dizzy in love.
This is what you sought so I tell myself it isn’t my fault but isn’t the drug as guilty as the user?
Scratched my name into your back so everyone knows I’m your abuser.
If I put my hand over your mouth you’d suck on my fingers like soothers, just to quite the voices in your head.
The ones that tell you this is dead wrong.
I can hear them too.
There are things you’ll need that I’ll never give to you.
Told you I was dangerous.
You said, You were a masochist and looking for the perfect blade to play with and I just happened to have a razor tongue that loved to run along your heart and taste the tears you’d bleed.
There are things you’ll give me that I’ll never need.
I don’t need your love,
Don’t want your compassion,
Just fuck me until the pain passes and be on your way.
But please…don’t stray…too far.
I’ll call you back when I start to drown in the dark
and when I miss your warm palms against my cold heart.

I could never get used to this, having already traveled down this road…or at least one very similar.
I even recognized that tree and those rocks that I organized in such a way so I wouldn’t get lost.
You’ve changed the scenery but could never change the situation so I could never trust your impulses nor your motivation.
I’ve kept you around selfishly, only so I wouldn’t feel alone.
And while I lay beside you, counting each of your ribs and wondering how much of your heart I’ll break, I tell you honestly, You’ll never call my heart home.

I don’t know how much you care but when you ask why I stay around, knowing I’ll eventually lose you.  I shrug, pushing myself closer as I make my self comfortable; kicking off my shoes.
It feels good having something to lose

I went about cleaning and rearranging my room today and found all these things that reminded me of my childhood…

You found me late in life.

This, I suppose, was good because by then, I was truly able to recognize and sense when you were around.  You must have also known my poor little heart could only take so much, so you spared me until I was strong enough to pick up the pieces, you would inevitably shatter me into, off the ground.

You first bumped into me in the hall of LaGuardia in the form of Eli when I was fifteen.  You remembered me from Junior High, where you either didn’t pay attention to me or didn’t notice me because I was only there for two months before transferring to a “better” school.  Either way, you were here now, after every class, ready to hold every book and even be walked over when I took you for granted.  Eventually you got fed up and decided I wasn’t ready.  You left and I only saw you in passing, roaming the school corridors.  We later reconciled, only for you to disappear again, but I didn’t miss you the second time around.

I wouldn’t see you again until midway through junior year, but when it rains, it pours.  You came washing over me; rogue waves engulfing as they pulled me in.  You were Stefanee and you made me doubt that Eli was ever you.  Perhaps, instead, that was your cousin…

What was her name?

Lust.

You ripped me apart and I thrived on every moment; so much that I must have been a masochist.  It took you longer to leave me this time because I learned how to hold onto the things I wanted most, so every time you pushed me over the edge, I found a way to climb back up, but my grip finally slipped three years later.  We still played together on those jagged rocks for months until you outgrew our games and decided you were better off building dreams with someone else.  You eventually evanesced…

I went out searching and found you, diluted in Melissa and though you were weak, you were different, and wild and unfettered; I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you.  That’s when I learned you had multiple personalities and in your most bi-polar of moments, you succeeded in committing suicide when you cut the wrist that held Stefanee and me together.  I often wondered why you would do such a thing; leaving me with nothing but destruction.

I ran.

Ran and hid so long that when you came around in Taina, Leydi, Tarra and Lynda, I easily eluded your maze.  Lust became my comforter, personified in five feet of sexual tension and a broken heart that matched my own.  We fed off of each other when the need arouse…which was often.

I hadn’t seen you in so long that when you called two years later, I couldn’t recognized your voice.  I later broke down and cried because you manifested as Stefanee again and I wondered why you were so vindictive.  I suppressed the “I told you so” pressing on the back of my vocal cords, instead offering myself to you as it you had never hurt me.

I’m not sure if I fell for you or your familiarity but regardless, I still tumbled, scrapping my knees in the process.  You continuously left me with scars that I habitually covered with tattoos. Your attention filling the void that you concurrently created and that attention, for some time, was endless so I hardly felt empty.  But eventually you moved on, as I expected you to, so instead of a head on collision, you only gave my heart a fender bender.

Thank you for your mercy.

I watched as you found your counterpart in the heart of another and let your fingers slip from the spaces between mine; hardly putting up a fight.  Conceding that perhaps, I did something wrong in my past life that made me unworthy of keeping you longer than fleeting moments.  You told me last that I was “too perfect”; whatever the fuck that meant.

It wouldn’t cause wonder if you called me, moons from now, and we fell into bed again, because the one you ran to was “too imperfect”…again.  And knowing me, I’d take a look at the lessons I learned from the mistakes I made and disregard them all the same, just to be engulfed by your waves again.

You once felt like butterfly wings or hummingbird heartbeats; gentle yet strong
Never knew I could breathe without you,
until I had to cope with you gone.
Tried holding my breath;
realized it was killing me.
Then dismantled and rearrange
all the things you’ve ever given me
Perhaps I was selfish,
and even a bit naive
to believe that I could ever become your
favorite pet peeve.
the same way you were my preferred addiction
I loved the way your name flowed out from my lips like simplified diction.
Never needed to learn anything new
Told me we would run away to
and build a hut of Guadua bamboo
because the only thing I would ever need was you.
Well I’ve been sitting,
and waiting on you to return,
Holding all this timber in my arms have made them burn
in a foreign place,
where I never learned the language
you told me not to bother,
the only person I needed to speak to was you.
you spoke my language,
you knew my movements,
you were my culture.
Where do you go when you’ve lost your God?
Are my prayers forever lost?
Cause I’ve been sitting here waiting forever for your familiar resurrection.

One…

Two…

Three…

Four…

One thousand three hundred fifty three…

One thousand three hundred fifty four…

One thousand three hundred fifty five…

One thousand three hundred fifty six…

How many more days until I can call you mine again?